March Reflection

I’m relearning what it means to have self discipline. I want to stop getting distracted and continue to pursue things that will benefit me in the long run. Sometimes, I find myself so overwhelmed. Life can get in the way and push back things I thought I’d have done by now.

So now my only goal is to never give up.

Life changes, people come and go, sometimes things I thought would work don’t end up working out and that’s okay. I realize now that I need to be flexible, that I need to adapt to whatever situation I’m in. I need to take a moment to think about what I need to do. 

I think I need to learn to relax. Sometimes even the smallest things can get me worked up. I need to remember that I can’t change everything, that some things I’m just going to have to deal with. It’s hard for me to realize that I can’t put things in order exactly the way I want them to be. However, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to get things done. There’s a lot of stuff I’m going to have to work around to get what I want. Good things don’t come right away. 

The more I write, the more I realize that good writing takes lots of time. It’s not just about putting words on paper or on a screen. Some novels have taken authors years to write. And now I’ve realized they don’t just think about the story, but the lessons within the writing and the value they might have to their readers. There so much I could learn about writing as long as I concentrate. 

I really need to learn to focus on myself. I think sometimes I spend too much time looking at social media. Too much time looking a photos of people I barely know. Sometimes I get too invested into someone else’s life when they’re not invested in mine. I need to focus on what I need to do, not what I think other people want me to do. I know people want me to like their posts and comment, but sometimes those things just aren’t worth it(on here it is, because there is a lot of deeper meaning in blog posts). Doing that doesn’t make my own writing better(well, commenting on blog posts can, but maybe not always on other social media platforms). It just encourages people to keep doing what they’re doing. Which isn’t a bad thing if they really are doing something good. However, sometimes I spend too much time doing that and not enough on myself. I think I constantly use the lives of others to define my own. 

I think I’ve really fallen out of step with the person I want to be. I grew up being taught that money should be my main motivator. It’s wasn’t about if I liked a job or if I was passionate about it. It was about working my ass off and trying to forget about how much I didn’t like the work I did. I’m done letting people plant negative thoughts in my head. Thoughts that I’ll never make my dream job reality. Thoughts that I’ll always have to be doing what someone else wants me to do rather than do what I want to do. That its safer for me to put up with someone else’s crap instead of my own.

I’ve been focusing more on what I need to do for myself. I’m tired of complaining, moping and wishing I was someone else. I’ve learned to appreciate my struggles and I’m glad I learned to struggle early in life. Many people my age don’t get that, they live in a dream world. They don’t realize how good they have it —or how easily all of it can be swept away.

I’m allowing myself to have more fun. I spend a lot of time trying to get stuff done that I don’t always allow myself to take a break. I think this has actually made my productivity worse. I do productive this for a free days then afterwards I won’t want to do anything for a while. I need to put in time every day to have fun to get the best results.

I haven’t really been great at friendships. When I was in high school it felt like I lived in two worlds. A extremely religious one where talk of sex and gays were not allowed. And a secular one in my high school were pretty much all my friends were gay and sex was talked about a lot. In the end, it was my high school friends that stuck with me and I grew apart from religion. Its been hard to stay in touch and some of my friends have moved away, but I still have a few here. 

As in introvert I tend to think of keeping relationships as a chore, but I know I need to stop thinking that way because I isolate myself a lot. There’s times where I’ve been a shut in for months on end. Where work and the grocery store are the only places I go to outside of my home. I think sometimes I care too much about what people think of me and just assume they don’t like me so I don’t ever reach out to people. I’ve held a lot of grudges too, there’s still some people that were in my life that I don’t really ever want to see again. Maybe I shouldn’t feel that way, but I just don’t want those same bad things to happen to me. Maybe there’s a way for me to let go, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget. 

I’ve been a bitch to a lot of people. I’ve been that way to my parents, my brother, friends, and significant others. If someone told me they’d never want to see me again, I might be upset depending on who it is, but I’d think eventually I’d understand. Some people just bring out the worst in each other so sometimes its best to just stay away or maybe not talk to each other for while until both parties work things out themselves. 

Thanks again so much for the support! Let me know what you think about the post in the comments below!

 

 

With l❤️ve,

Athena